


Phantom of the S.O.L., Episode One: "A Mysterious Missive"

by dark_roast



Series: Phantom of the S.O.L. [1]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-16
Updated: 2005-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 20:25:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_roast/pseuds/dark_roast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episode(s) Referenced: General (circa Season Five)<br/>Script Format</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantom of the S.O.L., Episode One: "A Mysterious Missive"

**SCENE: SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE**

_The bridge is deserted. A large parchment envelope with a red wax seal sits propped against the buttons on the left-hand side.  
Servo and Crow enter, talking heatedly._

CROW: That's my whole point! Why didn't Hamlet's father haunt Claudius? Hamlet isn't the only one who can _see_ the ghost.  
SERVO: Hamlet's father needed Hamlet as the instrument of his revenge. It's the son's duty to revenge the father.  
CROW: But, it's also a man's duty to revenge himself. Why even bring Ham Junior into it? Especially since Ham Senior obviously doesn't consider Ham Junior worthy of being his son.  
SERVO: You're contending that Hamlet Senior's psychological abuse of...

_Mike enters, carrying a paperback of_ Flowers in the Attic, _and a sandwich._

MIKE: Hey, guys.

_He sits down._

SERVO: ...besides, Scrappy-Doo is _far_ less annoying than Scooby-Dumb.  
CROW: Well, okay. I'll give you that.  
MIKE: What's up?  
SERVO: Just playing that funky music, white boy.  
MIKE: Carry on, then. By all means. Hey, what's this?

_Mike picks up the envelope. The bots notice it for the first time, and react in horror._

SERVO(whispering to Servo): It's... it's the ghost!  
CROW: What do we do? What do we do?

_They confer in hushed voices, then:_

CROW: Open it, Mike.  
SERVO: You're the new guy. I'm sure it must be fan mail for _you_, Mike.  
MIKE: Wow, that's so nice!

_Mike opens the envelope, pulls out a letter, and holds it up to the camera. Crow and Servo shiver and clutch one another in fear._

MIKE: Hey, Cambot, can you put this up on still-store?

_Cambot makes a rapid, head-shaking motion, and begins to back away slowly from Mike._

MIKE: Um... okay... (He reads the letter.) "To Michael J. Nelson..." Well, hey! What'dya know? It is a fan letter! "To Michael J. Nelson, in today's experiment, _House on Haunted Hill_, Gypsy shall sing the "Sk8ter Hag" song, in the place of La Servo."  
SERVO: WHAT?!  
MIKE: "In addition, kindly remit my salary. You may leave it in the box designated for my use. If my commands are not obeyed, a dire misfortune will befall the Satellite of Love. Signed, S.G."  
SERVO: Hold on just a cotton-picking minute here!  
MIKE: Ha-hah, guys. Very funny. Where's this... (_He makes air quotes._) "box" where I'm supposed to... (_Again with the air quotes._) "leave" your... (_And a third time._) "salary"?  
CROW: Mike, that is unbelievably annoying.  
MIKE: It's called sarcasm, Crow.  
CROW: Yeah. I got that.  
SERVO: GYPSY?! Gypsy can't sing! _I_ am the singer! _I_ do the singing! I AM THE STAR!  
CROW: There's a box seat in the theater reserved especially for... the Phantom.  
MIKE: Suuure there is, Crow. Wait. We have box seats?  
SERVO: I'll be in my trailer!

_Servo storms off._

MIKE: Huh. What's gotten into him?  
CROW: Joel used to pay the Ghost two hundred ramchips a week.  
MIKE: Oh yeah? What have you guys done lately to earn _one_ ramchip, let alone two hundred?  
CROW: It's not us, Mike. It's the Ghost!

_The Mads' light blinks._

MIKE: Oh, great. Punjab and Lasso are calling. (_He slaps the button._) Hey, what's up, sirs?  
***

**DEEP 13**

_Doctor Forrester and TV's Frank smirk into the monitor._

DOCTOR F.: Why, hello there, Chris and Cathy! Hope you're doing well. Actually, I don't care, so never mind. Today's experiment is a poisoned donut of pure--  
***

**SATELLITE OF LOVE**

MIKE: It's _House on Haunted Hill._  
***

**DEEP 13**

DOCTOR F: How did you know that?  
TV'S FRANK: Yeah! What gives?  
***

**SATELLITE OF LOVE**

MIKE: The... (_He makes air quotes_) "Ghost" told us.

_Crow rolls his eyes in exasperation._  
***

**DEEP 13**

DOCTOR F: Oh-hoh! The Phantom makes another appearance. How interesting!

_He rubs his hands together._  
***

**SATELLITE OF LOVE**

_Mike looks alarmed._

MIKE: Wait a second. You mean this Phantom is _real_?  
CROW: I _told_ you so. But would you believe me? Noooooo. I'm not going to listen to Crow. He's just a roooo-bot. I'm the new guy and I know _everything_.  
MIKE: Would you be quiet, please?  
***

**DEEP 13**

TV'S FRANK: Sure! That sleepy guy used to talk about the Phantom all the time.  
DOCTOR F.: We thought it was a symptom of his mental disintegration, but then there was a little experiment called _Hell Comes to Frogtown_...

**SATELLITE OF LOVE**

CROW: Nooooooooooo!  
MIKE: _Hell Comes to Frogtown_?  
CROW: Dance of the Three Snaaaaaakes! Aaaaaaaah!

_Crow runs off. Mike looks after him, concerned._

MIKE: There's no record of you ever sending up any Rowdy Roddy Piper movies...  
***

**DEEP 13**  
DOCTOR F.: Of course not. Your two mechanical pals would have expunged every reference to it.  
TV'S FRANK: Especially, after... (_He leans close to the monitor; in a stage-whisper:_) _what happened..._  
DOCTOR F.: So, I suggest you do exactly what the Ghost tells you to do.  
TV'S FRANK: And sleep with the lights on.

_The Mads chuckle evilly and cut the transmission._  
***

**SATELLITE OF LOVE**

_Shaking his head, Mike sits down to read his book and eat his sandwich,_

MIKE: Tcha. Phantom. Right. Way to haze the new guy.

_After a moment, he glances around the deserted bridge of the satellite._

MIKE: Servo? Crow?

_No answer._

MIKE: Gypsy? Magic Voice? Hello? Guys? Wait for me!

_Mike hurries off, abandoning his sandwich. The bridge looks deserted for a moment, and then a shadowy figure flashes in front of Cambot. The camera rocks, and the feed goes staticky. A hand darts up from under the console and swipes Mike's sandwich. Cambot goes dark._   


***


End file.
